It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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