i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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