Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
