I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
