I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
