dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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