So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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