I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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