you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I smell like Dick and happiness
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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