So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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