Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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