I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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