I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
