Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
