My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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