The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
