my phone needs a breathalizer
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize