1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
