it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
