Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
