i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
