so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
