My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
