My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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