I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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