Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize