I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
