We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize
