just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
