96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
