apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
