My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
