Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
