just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
