Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
