I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
