Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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