He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
