I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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