I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Your cock deserves a montage
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Randomize
