Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
