Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
