Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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