Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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