NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
