I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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