i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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