Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
