why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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