Rock
Scissors
Fuck
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Randomize
