Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
