its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I think your dad took our porno
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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