I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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