A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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