I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
