I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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