Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
