Umm I'm too high to move.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
