oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
