Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
